Christian Male Models

by Spencer Carroll

Recent studies suggest that Christ and the 12 apostles weren’t just the forbearers of Christianity but were in fact, the very first male models of western society. Anthropological observation and preserved depictions of the apostles show a variety of ‘hip’ gestures that we propose to dub the Top 5 Poses of Christianity. All across the Western world glimpses of these nearly 2000 year old stances and arm gestures can be seen in the form of statues, paintings and stained glass.

            From nearly two millennia back, we now present to you the Top 5 poses of ancient Christianity.

5.  The “Wow this is a big key" Pose

            Saint Peter is the originator of this age old pose. To properly replicate the guardian of heavens whimsical stance, simply find a key roughly two feet in length. Keep one arm close to the body and with the other hold the key, arm bent at the elbow. Perhaps the hardest part of the “Wow this is a big key" pose is the slightly surprised and questioning facial expression. Getting just the right touch this quizzical affectation is difficult even for pro male models.

4. The “Phew! That scared me" Pose

            Anyone who has ever been startled has probably copied the “Phew! That scared me" pose. This fun, playful pose stems from Saint Andrews constant pranks played on Saint Matthew (who’s beginnings as a tax collector left him fidgety at best). During their time as apostles, Andrew would frequently surprise Matthew by jumping from behind desert bramble and startling squirmy Matthew. The rest of the apostles often acted out their favorite startles always ending up portraying Matthew in the “Phew! That scared me" pose, one hand to the chest, the other raised in the air and both eyes searching the heavens, hoping God might startle Andrew in return with a stray bolt of lightning.

3. The “Hey there" Pose

            Although countless imitators have attempted to claim this pose as their own, the original “Hey there" body positioning was started by Saint Andrew, held to be the most active of the apostles in bringing followers to Jesus. Technically speaking, it is the easiest of the poses to master, as the “Hey there" pose consists simply of holding one open hand aloft, with the other hand slung low at the waist. While simple, the “Hey there" can be attributed to the innumerable converts and followers Andrew drew to the Son of God. Surviving artwork however often depicts Saint Peter in the “Hey there" pose. Controversy over the actual originator still rages among scholars.

2. The “Excuse me waiter" Pose

            Evidence documenting the creation of this pose still remains today. In portrayals of the Last Supper, many paintings depict differing apostles in the “Excuse me waiter" pose. While no hard evidence pins the inception of the gesture to any of Christ’s followers, it is well established that due to the groups transitory nature they often dined together en mass. During such dinner outings the apostles often found it humorous to ask the waiters for extra bread or wine in the presence of Jesus.

1.      The “The fish was THIS big" Pose

Perhaps the most recognized and beloved of all the poses in existence, the “The fish was THIS big" pose takes number 1 on the Top 5 Poses of Christianity. It is fitting that the number one seat goes to the big man himself, Jesus. Raised a carpenter, Jesus didn’t truly become an avid fisherman like his apostles Peter, James and Thomas until much later in life. As such, when he did have time to fish, Jesus would often return to his companions with stories of the experience and the size of the netted fish. Being the son of the Lord had its benefits and the open armed method of fish approximation was created to accommodate the monstrous sized fish Jesus caught. While also a universally welcoming embrace, the “The fish was THIS big" originally came from the good humored tales of Jesus’s fishing experiences.